Old Mannerisms

I was accused of not being old enough to be a grumpy old man. Bah! I am old at heart and that's what counts. For proof, I'll spin a tale of my infamous shenanigans.

In aught three I think it was (summer of the big heat wave) I was relaxing on my davenport looking dapper in new slacks, cardigan and slip-on loafers. While watching Murder She Wrote (Angela Lansbury sure is the bee's knees) I heard a ruckus over by my automobile. I donned my spectacles and galoshes to go see what all the commotion was about.

I spied a group of ankle-biters in their dungarees and shirtsleeves skylarking under my veranda! When I shook my fist and yelled "Cut the horseplay, you hoodlums!" they skedaddled.

Old man Chris doesn't take guff from the likes of those whippersnappers.

Chris's Household Tips for Men #2

While sitting on the floor playing video games, a tennis shoe makes an excellent beer cozy.

Kooks

A kook is somebody who holds an unpopular belief even though it makes no sense whatsoever. But what would you call somebody who holds a popular but ridiculous belief? You don't call them anything. It's perfectly normal.

I Like Candles

Is it girly to like candles? It shouldn't be. Candles are portable indoor fire; how tough is that? As long as you don't use ceramic candle holders shaped like colonial children or something similar. Keep your candle holders manly. Stick to wrought iron, or maybe a skull.

Utility Belt

With the plethora of portable devices today (phone, PDA, iPod, leatherman) I feel I need a utility belt. But I would have to add a grappling hook to it because what's the point of a utility belt without a grappling hook?

Chris's Household Tips for Men #1

Buy canned fruit.

It is cheap, delicious, good for you and can last in the back of your cupboard for years until you run out of food and are too lazy to go shopping.

Steamed and Soaked in Butter

Artichokes are vegetarian lobster.

Coffee Suicide

After ingesting a fair amount of caffeine today, I became curious as to how much coffee I would have to drink to risk death from overdose.

Almost every substance has toxicity data obtained from dosing a group of rats until half of them die. That amount divided by the weight of the rat is called the "LD50". According to wikipedia, the LD50 for caffeine is 192 mg/kg. We'll assume that is enough to kill me, or at least make me wish I were dead. To answer my question, I simply need to convert this figure to cups of coffee per me.

1 kg = 2.2 lbs
Chris = 180 lbs (of solid muscle!)
cup of coffee = 100mg

Now apply these ratios using skills leftover from my chemistry classes:

192 mg * 1 kg * 1 cup of coffee * 180 lbs
---------------------------------------------------
1 kg * 2.2 lbs * 100 mg * Chris

This reduces to:

157 cups of coffee / Chris

That is just under 10 gallons of coffee. Math is fun!

Horror Movie Drinking Games

If you celebrate Halloween the way I do, you will be looking for ways to combine watching scary movies with getting intoxicated. Here are two effective combinations:

While watching Poltergeist (a lovely family film from the people who brought you E. T. and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) you should drink every time somebody says "Carol Anne".

In the gothic horror classic Dracula, drink every time Bela Lugosi stares broodingly into the camera.

A Salute to Ranch Dressing

Ranch is only mayonnaise seasoned with onion power, but this fatty sauce is more responsible for Americans voluntarily eating raw vegetables than government-sponsored pyramids and motherly guilt combined. Now if we only could stop people dipping fried cheese sticks into it.