I Hate Dragonforce

My kids and I agree on a lot of stuff. We like the same music, the same movies and the same computer games. That worries me. What if they are just going along with what I want? I fear I am stifling their own interests by pushing my ideas on them. I was relieved when I heard a band they really liked (Dragonforce.) They suck. Hard.

Dragonforce to me, sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. No, it's worse. Maybe the fingernails of a yowling tomcat on a chalkboard. And its testicles are being squeezed in a hose clamp.

Now I know how my father felt when I made him listen to Rush.

Good Bad Horror Movies

A guy I know has a screenplay that made it to the quarterfinals at Slamdance. (It's a horror-comedy about an alcoholic vampire.) Looking at the list of the competitors is its own horror show. My favorite titles are (in alphabetical order):

• Alligators: Orgy of Destruction
• Bride of Christ ... Bride of Frankenstein!
• Dead Rabbits
• I Was A Sexy Werewolf (Too Bad For You)
• Porn Star Zombies
• Undead Waitress
• Yacht Zombie Christmas - A Lesbian's Worst Nightmare

It makes me want to buy a digital camera and make some of these . . .

MMOMFs

I don't understand the allure of multiplayer online games. If I loved people so damn much, I'd be out slumming with the hoi polloi instead of in the dark hunched over a keyboard.

I enjoy turn-based strategy games, but the best one online is multiplayer-only. I must have been really bored because I recently gave it another chance. After some time spent being rejected by players who deemed me unworthy of their time, I found a willing opponent. Shortly after the game started, the d00d began complaining that I blocked his attacks and he couldn't block mine and thus, he concluded, "it wasn't fair". I was attempting to explain the blocking rules (and how it was fair) when he quit the game.

Could a sane person describe this experience as "fun"? I wish the developers of Tactics Arena Online would create an AI opponent. I occasionally tolerate humans, but I'd prefer to interact with something more intelligent.

Jerry Springer's Paternity Tests of Heat Miser and Snow Miser

In Rankin and Bass's The Year Without a Santa Claus, Snow Miser refers to Heat Miser as his step brother, but they both fawn over Mother Nature. Logically, if they are step-brothers they are unrelated and can't both be Mother Nature's children. I can see them being half-brothers (both Mrs. N's kids, but with clearly different fathers.) Even so, I am starting to suspect the whole story was just made up.

Curse of the Shark-Eyed Baby

Near the cash register at a local pancake restaurant there is a box that begs for change through an unholy alliance with some doll-eyed demon fetus. Spooky.

This picture needs a good caption. How about "Yesssss, stare into my lifeless eyes long enough for me to unhinge my jaw and DEVOUR YOUR FACE!"

Old Mannerisms

I was accused of not being old enough to be a grumpy old man. Bah! I am old at heart and that's what counts. For proof, I'll spin a tale of my infamous shenanigans.

In aught three I think it was (summer of the big heat wave) I was relaxing on my davenport looking dapper in new slacks, cardigan and slip-on loafers. While watching Murder She Wrote (Angela Lansbury sure is the bee's knees) I heard a ruckus over by my automobile. I donned my spectacles and galoshes to go see what all the commotion was about.

I spied a group of ankle-biters in their dungarees and shirtsleeves skylarking under my veranda! When I shook my fist and yelled "Cut the horseplay, you hoodlums!" they skedaddled.

Old man Chris doesn't take guff from the likes of those whippersnappers.

Chris's Household Tips for Men #2

While sitting on the floor playing video games, a tennis shoe makes an excellent beer cozy.

Kooks

A kook is somebody who holds an unpopular belief even though it makes no sense whatsoever. But what would you call somebody who holds a popular but ridiculous belief? You don't call them anything. It's perfectly normal.

I Like Candles

Is it girly to like candles? It shouldn't be. Candles are portable indoor fire; how tough is that? As long as you don't use ceramic candle holders shaped like colonial children or something similar. Keep your candle holders manly. Stick to wrought iron, or maybe a skull.

Utility Belt

With the plethora of portable devices today (phone, PDA, iPod, leatherman) I feel I need a utility belt. But I would have to add a grappling hook to it because what's the point of a utility belt without a grappling hook?

Chris's Household Tips for Men #1

Buy canned fruit.

It is cheap, delicious, good for you and can last in the back of your cupboard for years until you run out of food and are too lazy to go shopping.