There are two identical coffee cups on my desk, both half full. I must have swiped somebody's coffee mug while wandering around the office.
I have been drinking from both of them. Gross.
But still not as gross as two coworkers and one cup.
Is there anything more stupid and pointless than the questions at the end of each chapter from school textbooks? Discuss.
I am already too lazy and paranoid and a compulsive eater. Plus I believe every silly idea I have is a profound insight into the universe. I don't need the encouragement.
The Law of Sausages States:
The truly wondrous and beautiful things in the universe remain beautiful and wondrous no matter how closely they are examined.
Intellectualism and reason have been beaten bloody in the U.S. The warmongering right-wingers hate intellectuals, accusing them of insubordination and communism. The hippie left-wingers hate the oppression of the rules of reason and blame science for creating of the tools of war. The renaissance men of today have retreated to a dingy bar, getting drunk with Bukowski and listening to Tom Waits.
Which I guess is not so bad at all.
The purpose of Nickleback is to make us realize that Creed was not so bad.
I hear congress is passing an "economic stimulus" package that will give each of us poor people $600. If Walmart corporate is thinking, they'll price a 42" hi-def LCD at $599.00. Then everyone can line up with their refund checks for their government telescreen!
My girlfriend forced me to watch a Shakira video. It was not an entirely unpleasant experience. The music was passable and Shakira is smoking hot. I am not sure about the dancing though. She doesn't really dance as much as heave and undulate. She also has discovered an amazing means of locomotion that requires neither arms nor legs. It would be handy if she someday she became an amputee.
My guess is what she does is not dancing. She is so hot that every few minutes she has to stop, drop and roll to keep from bursting into flame.
The common colloquialism, " . . . for the Umpteenth time . . . " is used to express a large number, but exactly how large? Most people intuitively know that Umpteen is greater than "several" but much smaller than a "gazillion" but few know its exact value.
To find the precise value, start with the number "Ump". This is a lesser known constant represented by the symbol ü. (The umlaut or "rock dots" express how tough this number is. Don't mess with it.) It is found by multiplying pi times Euler's constant (e).
ü = πe
This calculates to approximately 8.53973422267. To get Umpteen, simply add 10. So if your mom says "I told you for the Umpteenth time to pick up your socks", she has told you about 18 and a half times. So pick up your damn socks already.
I started reading A Confederacy of Dunces. The lead character is a pompous, overweight man-child with a master's degree who plays the lute. I went to sleep wondering what the author was trying to mock. Was it pseudo-intellectualism, obesity, unjustified self-importance or what?
I awoke later with a terrible epiphany. He was making fun of ME! That bastard.
I thought that my least favorite Christmas carol was The Little Drummer boy, but I was wrong. This season I heard a contemporary country song about a kid buying shoes for his dying mother so she'll look good for Jesus. It is so schmaltzy it makes my organs clench. What the hell is that brat doing at Walmart while his mother is dying? Getting dad more beef jerky and lottery tickets? And why does mom need to look so good for Jesus? Is she gonna flirt with him when she gets to the great golden trailer-park in the sky?
I wonder what literal Jesus shoes would look like. Probably thong sandals with a plastic Jesus crucified across the strap. As you walk LEDs in his stigmata would flash.
"Fuck you" is the most powerful insult known. It can express extreme emotion delivered by and directed at both sexes. But what is the source of its power? What does it even mean? In the next half hour, we will explore the secrets of this provocative phase. Our journey of discovery will take us to ancient Egypt where the hieroglyph "pfukyu" was one of the most powerful evocations of the gods of retribution and annoyance. We will trace its history forward to the middle ages and the hermetic order of Fuh-Queue who believed channeling the emotion of "pissed off" into an arcane ritual designed to rid the world of stupid people. Finally, we talk to a group of drunk neuroscientists who are using the latest imaging techniques to pinpoint the fuck-you center of the brain. Next, on "The Mystery Of".
