Jesus Shoes

I thought that my least favorite Christmas carol was The Little Drummer boy, but I was wrong. This season I heard a contemporary country song about a kid buying shoes for his dying mother so she'll look good for Jesus. It is so schmaltzy it makes my organs clench. What the hell is that brat doing at Walmart while his mother is dying? Getting dad more beef jerky and lottery tickets? And why does mom need to look so good for Jesus? Is she gonna flirt with him when she gets to the great golden trailer-park in the sky?

I wonder what literal Jesus shoes would look like. Probably thong sandals with a plastic Jesus crucified across the strap. As you walk LEDs in his stigmata would flash.