Blasphemy

The heretical art came from The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

How to Make my Blog Funnier

I have been working hard to make my writing funnier, but there is only so much talent and practice can do. I think it is time for you to start helping.

I discovered that everything is funnier if you are in a position where you shouldn't laugh. For maximum laughitude, please read this at a funeral while swallowing a drink that would be painful if it blasted from your nostrils.

Gaze Upon This and Despair

I have been a fan of Despair.com for years so I made a few of my own demotivators at diy.despair.com.

The one below sports a photo graciously stolen from the Minnesota Association of Rogue Taxidermy.

Wasabi Snowman

Ever wonder what to do with the wasabi leftover after eating sushi? I poked the eyes with chopsticks, and added masago hair, a shrimp-tail nose and shitake arms.

It was not clear if the wait staff was amused.

Masculine Air Freshener

Cooking bacon smells so good, they should make bacon-scented candles and spays. It'd be the perfect scent for the man market.

A dangling car air freshener would be perfect. It could look exactly like a strip of bacon.

Transportation of the Homeless

I took some classes at a hospital a few years back. One day I was getting gas across the street when a guy pops up out of nowhere.

"Hey dude, can I have $5?"

"Sorry, I just pumped the last of my cash into my car."

"Well, can I have a ride then?"

I couldn't think of a reason why not, so he loaded his dirty sleeping bag in my car and we drove off and started chatting.

"I just got out of the hospital."

"Why, what was wrong with you?"

"I have hepatitis. They can't cure it so I just left."

"Where do you need to be dropped off?"

"Up here is fine."

We had driven about two blocks.

The Linguistic Characteristics of Y. Sam

What behaviors are required to earn the appellation "Rootin' and Tootin'"?

I believe one needs to yell (or more accurately, "holler") Southwestern colloquialisms, including, but not limited to, "yee-haw". Also, one should fire revolvers into the air in an alternating fashion.

This much can probably be agreed upon by most connoisseurs of Old West tradition. The deeper mystery lies in determining which one of these activities represents the "root" and which one the "toot". I can convince myself that rooting is shooting and tooting is yelling, but then concoct an equally cogent argument for the antithesis.

But Singing to the Radio is OK

Why do people think they can't be seen through their car windows?

I think a good bumper sticker would be:

In my rear view mirror
I can see you picking your nose

Undead Marketing

Many feel that zombies are the greatest danger mankind has ever faced. I think those people are negative Nellies. When life hands me zombies, I make zombie-related merchandise.

One money-making idea is advertising space. You could not find a cheaper and more patient sandwich board man among the living. By placing your logo on the torso of a shambling corpse, you are guaranteed it will be viewed at eye level and wander to wherever the living congregate. A small up-front investment can mean years of exposure to people whose attention will be focused directly on your message!

Products that might be suited to this target market:

"Under zombie attack? Why not try Lil' Clubber baseball bats!"

"After a long night battling the undead, you deserve a Z-Brew. The only beer specially crafted for the the post-zombie apocalyptic world."

(If you have ideas for advertisements, please add them in the comments.)

In the Slums, Part of the Charm is Wacky Neighbors

I always live in the cheapest apartments I can find. Usually my neighbors are nice people: young families, the elderly, the normal masses of the working poor. My previous 2-bedroom was was different. It really was the slums. I would have been surprised if over half the tenants had jobs (not counting drug dealers.)

Among the cast of characters were "Scary Guy" from across the hall and "Party Girl" who was usually seen being dropped off Saturday morning.

One morning I when I left for work there was a guy standing next to all his stuff in the parking lot. In the doorway next to mine I heard a little boy ask "Is daddy leaving?"

Just before the door shut mom said "You'll never see daddy again."

How touching.

My Super Power

Everyone has a special talent. Mine is the ability, after everyone else has given up, to get one more brush full of toothpaste from the tube.