There's a Bright Side to Everything

The purpose of Nickleback is to make us realize that Creed was not so bad.

Welfare Television

I hear congress is passing an "economic stimulus" package that will give each of us poor people $600. If Walmart corporate is thinking, they'll price a 42" hi-def LCD at $599.00. Then everyone can line up with their refund checks for their government telescreen!

Shakira Safety Precautions

My girlfriend forced me to watch a Shakira video. It was not an entirely unpleasant experience. The music was passable and Shakira is smoking hot. I am not sure about the dancing though. She doesn't really dance as much as heave and undulate. She also has discovered an amazing means of locomotion that requires neither arms nor legs. It would be handy if she someday she became an amputee.

My guess is what she does is not dancing. She is so hot that every few minutes she has to stop, drop and roll to keep from bursting into flame.

Calculating Umpteen to 10 Decimal Places

The common colloquialism, " . . . for the Umpteenth time . . . " is used to express a large number, but exactly how large? Most people intuitively know that Umpteen is greater than "several" but much smaller than a "gazillion" but few know its exact value.

To find the precise value, start with the number "Ump". This is a lesser known constant represented by the symbol ü. (The umlaut or "rock dots" express how tough this number is. Don't mess with it.) It is found by multiplying pi times Euler's constant (e).

ü = πe

This calculates to approximately 8.53973422267. To get Umpteen, simply add 10. So if your mom says "I told you for the Umpteenth time to pick up your socks", she has told you about 18 and a half times. So pick up your damn socks already.

Wearing the Dunce Cap

I started reading A Confederacy of Dunces. The lead character is a pompous, overweight man-child with a master's degree who plays the lute. I went to sleep wondering what the author was trying to mock. Was it pseudo-intellectualism, obesity, unjustified self-importance or what?

I awoke later with a terrible epiphany. He was making fun of ME! That bastard.

Jesus Shoes

I thought that my least favorite Christmas carol was The Little Drummer boy, but I was wrong. This season I heard a contemporary country song about a kid buying shoes for his dying mother so she'll look good for Jesus. It is so schmaltzy it makes my organs clench. What the hell is that brat doing at Walmart while his mother is dying? Getting dad more beef jerky and lottery tickets? And why does mom need to look so good for Jesus? Is she gonna flirt with him when she gets to the great golden trailer-park in the sky?

I wonder what literal Jesus shoes would look like. Probably thong sandals with a plastic Jesus crucified across the strap. As you walk LEDs in his stigmata would flash.

Next, on "The Mystery Of": F U

"Fuck you" is the most powerful insult known. It can express extreme emotion delivered by and directed at both sexes. But what is the source of its power? What does it even mean? In the next half hour, we will explore the secrets of this provocative phase. Our journey of discovery will take us to ancient Egypt where the hieroglyph "pfukyu" was one of the most powerful evocations of the gods of retribution and annoyance. We will trace its history forward to the middle ages and the hermetic order of Fuh-Queue who believed channeling the emotion of "pissed off" into an arcane ritual designed to rid the world of stupid people. Finally, we talk to a group of drunk neuroscientists who are using the latest imaging techniques to pinpoint the fuck-you center of the brain. Next, on "The Mystery Of".

I Hate Dragonforce

My kids and I agree on a lot of stuff. We like the same music, the same movies and the same computer games. That worries me. What if they are just going along with what I want? I fear I am stifling their own interests by pushing my ideas on them. I was relieved when I heard a band they really liked (Dragonforce.) They suck. Hard.

Dragonforce to me, sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. No, it's worse. Maybe the fingernails of a yowling tomcat on a chalkboard. And its testicles are being squeezed in a hose clamp.

Now I know how my father felt when I made him listen to Rush.

Good Bad Horror Movies

A guy I know has a screenplay that made it to the quarterfinals at Slamdance. (It's a horror-comedy about an alcoholic vampire.) Looking at the list of the competitors is its own horror show. My favorite titles are (in alphabetical order):

• Alligators: Orgy of Destruction
• Bride of Christ ... Bride of Frankenstein!
• Dead Rabbits
• I Was A Sexy Werewolf (Too Bad For You)
• Porn Star Zombies
• Undead Waitress
• Yacht Zombie Christmas - A Lesbian's Worst Nightmare

It makes me want to buy a digital camera and make some of these . . .

MMOMFs

I don't understand the allure of multiplayer online games. If I loved people so damn much, I'd be out slumming with the hoi polloi instead of in the dark hunched over a keyboard.

I enjoy turn-based strategy games, but the best one online is multiplayer-only. I must have been really bored because I recently gave it another chance. After some time spent being rejected by players who deemed me unworthy of their time, I found a willing opponent. Shortly after the game started, the d00d began complaining that I blocked his attacks and he couldn't block mine and thus, he concluded, "it wasn't fair". I was attempting to explain the blocking rules (and how it was fair) when he quit the game.

Could a sane person describe this experience as "fun"? I wish the developers of Tactics Arena Online would create an AI opponent. I occasionally tolerate humans, but I'd prefer to interact with something more intelligent.