A Gorilla of any Other Size Would Smell as Sweet

I'd like to ignore the 800-pound gorilla in the room, but he is currently tearing my arms off.

The average male gorilla weighs 400 pounds. Zoo gorillas that let themselves go can pork out to 600. I assume that Joe-everygorilla or the pre-Subway Jared gorilla would be just as hard to ignore as the mythical 800-pound variety.

Know what would be really hard to ignore? A little gorilla running around the boardroom throwing papers and defecating everywhere.

The Adventures of Guy-in-a-Suit! (Part 2)

When we last left our hero, he was delivering much-needed authority like a pin-striped Easter bunny. We meet up with him back in the hospital.

Victim: I am dying of a rare disease. What can the government do for me?

Guy-in-a-Suit!: I can help you, but not without my sidekick.

Pressboy: Oh boy! Do you mean we get to . . .

Everyone: Raise awareness!

Guy-in-a-Suit!: Quick Pressboy, find out what color ribbons haven't been taken. Is olive paisley available? Good. Now we'll need to organize some kind of "-athon".

Thanks to the work of Guy-in-a-Suit! and Pressboy, instead of dying from an obscure disease, our victim died from a very popular disease! Thank you Guy-in-a-Suit! and Pressboy too!

Old Ladies are Weird

One of the fun things about running in public is that you always encounter interesting stuff. Usually it is just waking the homeless or an altercation with an animal. (I have not yet found my first dead body. Once I do, I'll be a real runner.)

This week while I was approaching a couple old ladies, I stepped on a stick. One of them turned with her hand on her heart and said "Oh my gosh, you scared me!"

There were people all over the place. She must have been scared frequently.

"Sorry, just walking." (I was taking a short break, OK?)

Her friend smiled and asked "How far is it to the rkspofmkl?"

"Umm, what?"

"How far is it to the mnijhosls?"

"Uh, where do you want to go?"

The scared old lady looked like she thought I was going to murder her. They began talking back and forth in some other language. I wondered how rude it would be to run away right then. The frightened lady looked to the sky and prayed, "How did I get into this?"

"Be good!" I waved and jogged away. The happy old lady smiled, waved and said "Bye bye!"

What's Your Favorite Benzoate?

Mine's potassium. It has a zip that the less expensive sodium benzoate lacks. So check the ingredients. Life's too short to settle for less.

Returning the Little Drummer Boy for Store Credit

My least favorite Christmas song is "The Little Drummer Boy". Possessed snowmen and mutant reindeer I can stomach, but this one is too ridiculous.

Imagine some brat who didn't buy you squat ruining Christmas morning by banging on a drum. I know what I'd do. I'd grab his sticks and send him to his room until he can learn to behave.

The little drummer boy did this to JESUS. He is so in hell right now.

What's so Great About Bikes?

I don't get the glorification of the bicycle. A short hundred years ago it was some new-fangled contraption that the old timers probably blamed for all the ills of society. Now children are considered abominations if they don't ride them. This does not makes sense to me, as giving a kid a bike is the equivalent of telling them to "Go play in the street."

Sure, I had a bike when I was younger and rode it a lot. It was the only way I could get to the arcade. Now that game consoles are better, I no longer see the need. If I require an expensive device to move me faster, I'd use my car.

I am not arguing that one shouldn't get outside and exercise, but why not walk, or if that is too slow and boring, run? I suppose because you are in danger of being run over by a bicycler.

Dangers of Technology

I have been incorporating a USB thumb drive into my lifestyle. I thought the effects would be positive, but like all technology, it has its dark side. If it is not used wisely, pain and suffering can occur.

For example, you will probably want to attach the USB drive to your key chain. If you then plug it into your computer at work that is under your desk, you may forget about it at the end of the day because you only had a few apples for lunch and are daydreaming about the frozen pizza you are going to pop in the oven as soon as you get home. If your car key happens to have the plastic broken and you have been procrastinating going to Lowe's to get a new one, that key may be in your pocket (separate from your other keys.) In this case you may not realize where your apartment key is until you can't get in and are forced to drive back to work instead of eating that frozen pizza.

So be cautious, as this hypothetical situation could happen to anyone.

The Adventures of Guy-In-A-Suit! (Part 1)

I watched a movie where some woman got shot in a foreign country. After a harrowing time surviving with help from the locals, she is rescued by the U.S. government. It made bleeding in the hovel look preferable. It gave me an idea for a new super-hero, Guy-In-A-Suit! I think a typical story would go like this:

Victim: "I'm bleeding to death. Is there no one that can save me?"
Guy-In-A-Suit!: "Don't worry ma'am. We've taken charge here."
Victim: "Wow! It's Guy-In-A-Suit! and his sidekick, The Press! I'm saved!"

Thanks to Guy-In-A-Suit!'s timely arrival, the woman survived for two more hours. Thank you, Guy-In-A-Suit!

The Gayest Movie

I finally watched Brokeback Mountain and it was not the gayest movie I have ever seen. (That award goes to Velvet Goldmine. It scares me to imagine what the term "velvet goldmine" is a euphemism for.) The unintentionally gayest movie I have seen is Top Gun, or possibly Interview with a Vampire. Though I still question how unintentional those are.

So, Brokeback Mountain was not bad but certainly the worst Ang Lee film I have seen. I blame the source material. If anyone claims that there is more to it than just gay cowboys, they are lying.

Anniversary Gifts

Seeing Nick struggle to choose an anniversary gift reminds me that being divorced is not all bad. To help him out, I created a new list of gifts based on the year of your anniversary.

1. Oil change
   
2. Fancy cheese
   
3. Radial arm saw
4. Vacuum
5. Steak dinner
6. Nothing
7. High-definition television and Xbox 360
8. Child support

That's as far as I got. After 8 years, you are on your own.